introverts…i get you, i get us. i’ve been a card-carrying introvert since i learned to speak. a solid amount has changed since then but the reserved foundation i was born with cannot for any of you or myself. but i’ve grown pretty tired of the way we talk about ourselves on the internetz.

i completely get the appeal of living your life like no one understands you, to be bruce wayne, but a lot of pro-introvert rhetoric online excuses some of our worst natural weaknesses and doesn’t give a very positive of an impression of our personalities, or our ability to adapt. so here’s a few things we should stop saying and doing, to make things a little better for us.

• thinking we’re deeper than extroverts
• defining ourselves falsely
• saying “no” often
• fooling yourself into thinking lacking social cues is okay
• not nurturing friendships

-if you think all extroverts are shallow and can’t carry on a conversation beyond the latest exploits of reality TV episodes, maybe you just haven’t met one who shares your interests. plenty of intelligent people have casual social conversations about commonly-known topics. they already know that “quantum computing” or “feminist analysis of doctor who” aren’t widely recognized ice breakers, so you might not get to know that side of them without investing a little time in the conversation. nobody likes a snob- the intellectual superiority we try to pin on ourselves isn’t attractive.

-‘introversion’ as i see it described online seems to have a strong negative undercurrent to it, in that we often describe ourselves as ‘anti-extrovert’ rather than ‘pro-introvert.’ how often have you seen people saying they hate small talk because it’s so “shallow?” or saying that parties are a waste of time? instead of admitting that parties are fine for some, but quiet nights at home are more appealing to introverts? i know that we live in a society that rewards more extroverted traits so i understand it’s easy to be defensive.

-in the past i’d developed a bad habit of automatically turning down fun-sounding opportunities because i assumed they’d wear me out too much. now, i give things a more serious consideration. i consciously try not to shoot down others’ suggestions or my own ideas just because i don’t have a ton of energy. if you find yourself in the situation where you’re spending a lot of your time marathoning on netflix alone and lonely tweeting…well need i say more? i’m never going to be the high-energy type that always wants a full calendar, but going out every so often makes the relaxation afterwards even better.

-if there’s issues in your life, address them, then develop a social interaction regime to put in action. eye contact, a smile, and basic knowledge of sports/popular TV shows/the week’s weather are all solid starters. in my experience, people who are well-liked are great at making other people feel cared-about. we introverts like to boast of our good listening skills, so why not put them to work? an attentive listening face combined with asking a couple polite questions are probably not too difficult for most. that small talk we hate so much? it’s a good way to find similarities or potential topics of interest you might share with a stranger or even someone you’ve known for a minute.

-good relationships take work for everyone, extroverts included. i think we often struggle with the basic fear of not being wanted, but at the same time we excuse actions in ourselves that can signify to others that we don’t care about them. as bad as we may be at taking that first step, as much as we might prefer texting to calling, etc. we have to suck it up and do something we don’t totally want to for the sake of someone important to us. relationships are two way streets, obviously, so keep that in mind. if someone only ever calls you unannounced or only want to hang out at large noisy parties, then you might not be compatible. but going to the occasional party with your extroverted friend isn’t going to kill you if you really like them and want to maintain a relationship with them.